Domestic Drinking

So what have I been doing during this sequester when I’m not looking for or lapping down beer?

Well, beer judging is off the agenda for the foreseeable future, although I was on the juries of three competitions earlier this year: Birra dell’Anno in Rimini, Italy, in mid-February (don’t, worry, I’m okay!), the IPA Fest at Mohawk Bend in Echo Park at the end of February, and Pacific Gravity’s Belgian Beer Challenge at LA Ale Works in Hawthorne on March 15, the eve (literally) of the LA Lockdown.

My planned lecture on the early days of brewing in Los Angeles for the Culinary Historians of Southern California set for mid-April is now postponed indefinitely, and the return of my craft beer class at UCLA Extension, scheduled to begin late April, had to be put off until the fall semester at the earliest. And the print edition of Beer Paper is on hiatus until some form of normalcy (and paid advertising) returns.

So, cooped up in the house all day, aside from a daily exercise walk, I find myself writing Covid-19 song parodies. Following are a couple of the beer drinking-related ones:

This one was inspired by Willie Nelson’s “Stuck at Home” live stream concert back in mid-March:

Stuck at Home Again

New lyrics by Tomm Carroll (with apologies to Willie Nelson)

Stuck at home again
I just can’t wait to get out and roam again
The life I love is drinkin’ craft beer with my friends
And I can’t wait til I can leave home again
 
Sip some foam again
Visit brew’ries where I’ve never been
Drinkin’ beers that I may never drink again
Yeah, I don’t wanna be stuck at home again
 
Gotta roam again 
Join the bunch of thirsty brew fans down the beer bars
We’re all best of friends
Afraid they’ll all stay closed; that’s what our fears are
 
And our fears are:
Stuck at home again
I just can’t wait to get out and roam again
The life I love is drinkin’ craft beer with my friends
And I can’t wait til I can leave home again 
 
Wanna sip foam again 
Join the bunch of thirsty brew fans down the beer bars
We’re all best of friends
Afraid they’ll all stay closed; that’s what our fears are
 
And our fears are:
Staying home again
I just can’t wait to get out and roam again
The life I love is drinkin’ craft beer with my friends
And I can’t wait til I can leave home again (to drink)
 
Yeah, I can’t wait to get outta my home again

My good buddy, and Celebrator Beer News editor and publisher, Tom Dalldorf — no stranger to song parodies himself (check him out on YouTube) — was kind enough to do a fast-paced take on this Willie parody, which he dropped, appropriately enough, on 4/20:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSppDt222qQ

The very title of this article, here’s a beer-related lockdown song parody for you folks who are missing going out for a drink as much as I am. It’s an oldie. If you don’t know the original version, you’ll probably remember it as a cover by Tiffany, the Rubinoos or the Killers, among many others. Here’s the initial version:

https://youtu.be/hFWhTqLSVzE

I’m Drinking at Home Now 

New lyrics by Tomm Carroll (with apologies to Ritchie Cordell and Tommy James and the Shondells)

Beer fans stay home
That’s what they say we have to do now
The taprooms are closed
You must understand 

And so we’re…
Racing ‘round to breweries in advance
Buying up a couple dozen cans
Trying to take away all that we can 
And then we load them in our cars
But because there’s no open bars
We have to say:

I’m drinking at home now
There doesn’t seem to be nowhere else in town
I’m drinking at home now
It’s just my beer and me, no one else around

I understand we must imbibe by ourselves now
‘Cause craft bars are banned
No brewpubs allowed

So now we’re
Making beer runs every other day 
Bottles, crowlers, growlers, even kegs
Trying to support our local breweries 
Because we want them to survive
And get out of this alive
Till then we say:

I’m drinking at home now
There doesn’t seem to be nowhere else around
I’m drinking at home now
The slurping of my beer is the only sound

I’m drinking at home now (at home now)
There doesn’t seem to be nowhere else in town
I’m drinking at home now (at home now)
It’s just my beer and me, no one else around

I’m drinking at home now (at home now)
There doesn’t seem to be nowhere else around
I’m drinking at home now (at home now)
The slurping of my beer is the only sound

As a bonus track, if you will, here’s a recent parody not specifically beer-related, but a relatable one that, following two months of home-staying, considers the many ways our individual lockdown/quarantine experiences are different (or not) in how we adjust to our “new (ab)normal” life during lockdown.

It’s based on the similarly titled Talking Heads song (specifically, the expanded, live version, as featured in Jonathan Demme’s superb 1984 doc, Stop Making Sense):

https://youtu.be/OVHNwBbkSj4

So put on an oversized suit and sing along to the clip while running in place — or, better yet, running around your house.

Life During Lockdown 

New lyrics by Tomm Carroll (with apologies to Chris Frantz/David Byrne/Jerry Harrison/Tina Weymouth)

Heard of a man who is loaded with hand wipes 
Wrapped up and ready to go
He owns a market out by the highway
A place that hasn’t been closed

No sound of traffic off in the distance
I’m getting used to it now
Lived through recession, lived through Ebola
Now I live in lockdown

This ain’t no Starbucks, this ain’t no Costco
I can’t be shopping around
Can’t go to parties, can’t go to discos
I’m social distancing now

Prevent the virus from spreading further 
Hope for a vaccine someday
But in the meantime, just whose fault is this? 
Don’t even know who to blame

High on some Xanax, I’m always loaded
Don’t wanna answer the phone 
I drink in the daytime, smoke pot in the nighttime
I might just always be stoned

Can’t go to ballgames, can’t attend weddings
We can’t be running around
Forget Coachella, or GABF
We’re social distancing now 

Can’t visit Paris, can’t go to Moscow
We can’t be flying around
Can’t board an airplane, can’t book a cruise ship
There’s a world travel ban now

Heard about China? Heard about It’ly?
How ‘bout our own USA?
You ought not stand less than six feet from someone
Might catch the virus that way 

I got some groceries, some toilet paper
To last a couple of days 
But I ain’t got no income, don’t get no paycheck 
Nothing to buy anyway

Stay six feet apart? Or six feet under?
Gonna be our choice to make
Can’t hike the mountains, can’t walk the beaches
Just how much more can we take?

This ain’t vacation, no leave of absence
Something we must understand 
It’s a pandemic, full-blown health crisis
We got more time on our hands

Transit’s no trouble, the roads are empty
But there ain’t nowhere to go
We got our Facebook, Zoom meetings online
That’s how we talk now I know

We dress in jammies, we dress in sweatpants
Or sometimes no pants at all
Can’t get my hair done for many weeks now
What will I look like by fall?

Don’t gimme shelter, got cabin fever 
Feels like an endless bad dream
I feel exhausted, yet don’t do nothing
I ought to get me some sleep

Canceled my Netflix, what good is Netflix?
Watch MSNBC
The end is coming, says Rachel Maddow
Addicted to my TV…

Okay, thanks for the indulgence if you’ve made it this far. And if any of you SoCal brewery musicians, bands (or super groups) wanna record these song parodies as a benefit to support our local brewing and beer bar industries, please feel free.

In this online column, “Domestic Drinking,” Tomm Carroll drinks, and writes about, beer while sequestered at his home in Los Angeles — and will continue to do so until SoCal brewery taprooms, brewpubs and beer bar/restaurants scene reopen to the public. Contact him at beerscribe@earthlink.net.

Welcome to my new online column for Beer Paper, “Domestic Drinking.” Because, well, that’s how we all roll now in SoCal, and have for the past 50-some days since California’s shelter-at-home went into effect to help stop the spread of the dreaded pandemic that is the nefariously contagious Coronavirus (now you know where the term “going viral” came from).

While it has absolutely no connection to Constellation Brands’ Mexican import light lager, Corona Extra — or Corona Light or the new Corona Hard Seltzer for that matter — those products, just like in the “before times,” should still be avoided by discriminating beer drinkers, unless they’re the only alcohol left in the house to consume…aside from Purell hand sanitizer (which is for your hands only!).

PUBLIC SAFETY WARNING: Drinking Corona beer or seltzer will NOT infect you with the virus or make you sick. Also, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you ingest Purell, or Clorox, Lysol or any other household cleansers or disinfectants that have been suggested as virus remedies on some ill-fated official press briefing you may have seen on TV. Yes, these are strange times we are struggling through…

Okay, now back to the column: When my keg of Three Weavers’ Seafarer Kölsch kicked the other night — four weeks after I tapped it — I had a sudden realization (actually a reminder): I’m going through a lot of beer while sheltering here at home. Yes, it was only a sixtel (1/6 BBL keg; approx. 5 gallons), but I’m the only beer drinker in the house.

Truth to tell, I do have another tapped sixtel (Firestone Walker’s Luponic Distortion 14 IPA; thanks for asking) in my kegerator, plus a double fridge and a 55º walk-in for aging beers — both packed almost full with bottles and cans. (And I can’t wait to share it once we’re all in the “after times.”) So yeah, as my wife will willingly attest, I don’t need any more beer at home.

But I need and want to support my favorite local breweries, many owned by friends and veteran members of my homebrew club, the Culver City-based Pacific Gravity, which is celebrating its 25^th anniversary this year. And since most of these young breweries have taprooms and are considered “essential” businesses, they can sell beer to go in multiple formats during the economic shutdown.

So I make at least two multi-stop beer runs per week to stock up on the freshest, usually the hoppiest, brews they have available — and in most cases are still brewing. And I want them to continue brewing and reopen their taprooms when things return to normal — or what will pass for such when this all passes. In the meantime, the LA Brewers Guild has helpfully posted a list (updated often) of its brewery and brewpub members that are open limited hours for pickups and deliveries of beer: labrewersguild.org/labeernow

Social drinking (as opposed to social distancing) is something that needs to make a comeback. Even our annual rite of summer, LA Beer Week, has been postponed indefinitely.

Beer bars/restaurants too have been granted “alcohol-to-go” privileges during the health crisis, thanks to the California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control’s Regulatory Relief — meaning they can sell bottled beer and fill growlers (any brewery’s growlers!) of draught brew, along with food from their menus, for delivery or take-away. And we at home take full advantage of all their various wares as well. It’s amazing how tasty the meals from your favorite restaurants are when you eat them at home. Hopefully, this perk will help them too survive these troubled times.

(Speaking of the change in growler laws, why did it take a pandemic and an economic shutdown to put California on par with many other states in the nation regarding the liberal policy of growler fills? And will it continue in our post-pandemic era? That’s a topic to revisit once we survive our current situation.)

So please (if you can afford to), support your locals and faves by buying their beer and food for take out or delivery, and enjoy it at your place. Go ahead; it’s okay if all of we stay-at-homers develop beer bellies and put on a few pounds this spring (and summer). It’s all for a good cause, ultimately. Plus, remember, we’re livin’ in a fuckin’ lockdown! To paraphrase the old homebrewer’s adage, “Relax, Don’t Worry, Have a Beer.”

In this online column, “Domestic Drinking,” Tomm Carroll drinks, and writes about, beer while sequestered at his home in Los Angeles — and will continue to do so until SoCal brewery taprooms, brewpubs and beer bar/restaurants scene reopen to the public. Contact him at beerscribe@earthlink.net.